Between the Clarity and the Chaos! 83 days to go🌞

What gets lost in the middle of the day—and how we find our way back.

This morning’s email didn’t arrive in its usual order—and that tiny detail stirred something. Not fear, not panic… but a tilt in the pattern, a shift in what’s predictable. And then, as always, the message came through. Not just words, but insight. And not just insight, but a window into the still-unfolding story of how we keep finding each other, every day, even in this place that was never meant for growth. The path home isn’t straight. It twists, pauses, resists. But it reveals. Today’s post opens one of those windows wide.

Matts Letter

There were a couple of interesting realizations today. One was when you told me on the phone this morning that you appreciated we've found a safe space to say what we want, ask for things, and get no push back from the other on matters big and small. I found myself walking over to the edumacation building wondering how we got to a place where that would ever be questioned. When one of us needs something from the other, we should let each other know. If it's something that might be sensitive, we shouldn't worry it will be taken the wrong way, or resisted for selfish reasons. I mean, why would I want to second-guess your requests? If you tell me you need something (or at least would prefer it) what sense does it make for me to decide it must be something else? Given this journey we've been on, those requests should be easy to make in comparison to the things we've digested in here - and we should feel honored to give each other the things that we can to make our lives better. I also know that isn't always how life works. People get too defensive and don't know how to make changes. Any request for something different challenges our inherent need to feel like we already do everything perfectly, so we resist. When it's the person we adore the most asking for us to change something, it has to be a rejection of ourselves, so we push back because that's the last thing we want to feel. And for a long time, we followed that typical pattern like so many people do. Now, though, living through this experience, something as fundamental as acknowledging a request for more/less of a certain thing, and decision to adopt it into our daily routine is a no-brainer, and it always should've been. It all just seemed so elementary to me, like I was seeing it clearly now for the first time with all the distractions taken out of the equation. You asked for something in an email, I tried to figure out how to give it, and that was that. Until you challenged me with a new project.

Suddenly, my head wasn't working quite as clearly when I saw the "idea" email this afternoon. I was tired, and I acknowledged that in my reply. We'd sort of been down that road before and I hadn't figured out a way to make it work. I bristled at the idea that I'd have to keep thinking about things in here, instead of refocusing my mind on the transition to getting home and moving on. I decided the best thing for me to do in that moment was rest, and being the incredibly responsible person that I am, I decided to go take a nap. Yeah, it was another one of those huge sleeps that lasted about 45 minutes. That was actually longer than I'd intended to snooze, and I really should've gotten back over to the education building about 15 minutes earlier, but at this point that doesn't really matter. Our only noon student got caught with a phone this past weekend, and got sent back to Special Housing. From what I understand, he might be getting sent someplace worse. I wish him luck. Anyway, I woke up and felt better, my head clearer, but I also realized that my moment of clarity from this morning was clouded by the time afternoon rolled along on the very same day. Life had gotten in the way. Cranky, tired, and unable to properly connect to the new thought/request, I reverted to doing the exact same thing I had been questioning as ludicrous just a few hours earlier.

This is the conflict we go through on a daily basis, both in our normal lives, and in this bizarre episode we're living in now. The constant struggle between our rational brains and our emotions. Emotions by their very nature aren't rational. They lift us to our highest heights, and bring out our ugliest tendencies. So many guys here have zero ability to wrangle their emotions and keep them under control. The slightest criticism - even the simplest request for a different approach that might suggest they haven't been behaving perfectly all along, can devolve into wildly inappropriate outbursts from guys who just don't seem to know any better. Why aren't their brains telling them that it makes no sense to launch into an expletive-filled rant when someone tells them they're being too loud? Why is it that so many of them insist that things are true when they don't know what they're talking about? Why can't guys understand that as badly as they want to go home, behaving in a manner that's consistent with the rules (and the law) while they're in here will make all the difference? Something isn't wired quite right, and while it's difficult at times for all of us to keep the emotions under control when our rational brains know better, I'm surrounded by so many who don't seem to have any ability to allow the latter to remain in control, that it almost seems like it must be some sort of disease. And it's what gets guys in hot water all the time. It becomes the reason, ultimately, that the end up here in the first pace - and why a lot of them will definitely come back. (that's not me being a pessimist, it's just a fact. recidivism among guests of the federal government is like 80%, which is a terrifying statistic) And it seriously should be the one thing that gets addressed for anyone on this journey - but absolutely never is.

For us, it becomes easy to be distracted by different pressures in the world, and too easy to forget what really matters. Pride, competition, frustrations, sadness - all these things get in the way, and we could lose sight of what we need to be doing. The ability to take a step back, look at the emotions that are guiding us to make a certain decision, and decide if it still makes sense, is an enormous key to living a happier and more fulfilling life, and this work has helped us find the courage and strength to do that. Not for ourselves, but because of the responsibility we have to each other. I was trying to convince my brain to do that today, and it wasn't easy at first. In fact, nothing about doing that throughout this whole situation has been easy. But If we allowed our hearts to constantly process the anger, the injustice, the loneliness, and outright badness of the last few years, we'd go nuts. I know it's there - and we need to acknowledge it. But our rational brains are constantly reminding me that those things don't really matter. So we lost a few friends along the way. So what? If they were the sorts of scumbags who'd do the things they ultimately did, they were not the kinds of friends we should've ever had in the first place. I almost feel worse that we wasted time on them for many years, even placing our trust in them. And the business of politics isn't front-and-center anymore. I can't even begin to express what a blessing that seems like now. Watching all this lunacy with the Epstein stuff going on now is a good reminder of the hamster wheel we could've been on. Now the Donald is lashing out at the same fringe weirdos who lived their movement partly through total loyalty to him - because he hated the same people they did. But they're being reminded now that this was never their movement - it's his, and while he's happy to accept their fealty, he has no intention of letting them decide what he can and cannot say - and what they are or are not allowed to believe. I'm sure that's confusing for a lot of people, but it shouldn't be. They *had* to know what they were getting themselves into, and stoking along the way. I know it's not confusing for me - I still enjoy the spectacle of a lot of this stuff, and watch from a distance now, even without the benefit of really having any insight into how it's all scripted and unfolding behind the scenes, but it leaves me with no doubt that I wouldn't want anything to do with it anymore, and am glad that I don't.

If I were still in that world, I'd be making decisions all the time about how to spend my time and other resources, often giving up time where my soul needs to focus - with you guys. It was so hard to have any sort of significant impact on outcomes that really effected people's lives. We could do it, but it required a tremendous commitment that I'm quite certain I would not be willing to make now. Again, the sort of thing that with the clarity of a calm mind seems elementary and easy to decide, but that in the moment when other stuff gets in the way, those decision become much harder to walk away from. That's all it really ever required, and too many times, I wasn't willing to do that. Today, in the haze of fatigue and frustration, I wasn't letting my rational brain help me process what I needed to be doing. Instead, I wanted to focus on how we can accomplish the goal you set out this morning. To me, that is far more important than looking back on anything I used to do, so I took a step back, remembered the conversation I'd just had in my head this morning, and got a better idea of how we can put together exactly the elements you're looking for. And it'll be a thrill to do it. Your point that this has to be about a call to action is spot on.

We've gotten pretty good keeping ourselves from going nuts throughout this entire ordeal. That's required discipline that I'm not sure we knew we had prior to all this. And even though I'm proud of our ability to control emotions and see the logical side of life on a daily basis, while I feel sorry for those who obviously aren't able to do that - or have no intention of trying - I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking emotions are somehow bad and only rational thoughts serve us any purpose. Actually, it's the opposite. If I'd sat on the tarmac in Lexington, and only appealed to my rational brain, I never would've allowed for the possibility that I could summon your presence and surround myself with peace and calm before we took off. You always knew we could do that sort of thing, but before then, I hadn't listened. I *knew* I could no actually do that, so it would've made more sense to forget about that sort of thing, and try to understand what was happening around me. But the key to controlling that situation was to give in to feelings I didn't really understand, hear your voice encouraging me to do it, and try to shut everything else out. When I needed it most, total love was there for me, and letting it flow over me allowed me not only to survive the experience, but gain a deeper understanding of the what was possible. Now, having experienced that, and knowing what happened, I realize that the manifestation of you by my side while I fought off the panic was real, and that understanding is completely rational. Had I not allowed myself to indulge those things, I'd still have myself convinced that it could never happen. But it can, and it did - because you made it so.

The difference has been getting to the point where we can sort out what's helping us and what's hurting. Anger, for example, is a natural thing for us to feel. It makes no sense to pretend it isn't there, and as dangerous as it can be, there are ways to channel it into something useful. A long time ago I realized that holding on to to much anger wasn't good. Letting that feeling guide me, only led me to be a more miserable person to be around, and wasn't hurting the people I felt like I should be directing my anger towards at all. And the people who were stuck being around me were the people I cared about the most. Why would I want to ever hurt them, or worse, allow the people I thought deserved my ire bring about that result? So I needed to find ways to channel anger more effectively. We should be angry at this process - every step of it. And putting our efforts into doing everything we can to change it in the future is wise, and would be productive and rewarding. That commitment should be fueled by our anger - and it will be - but that's as far as it needs to go. Frustration does us no good, either. So many guys here are frustrated with their circumstances, and they complain about them constantly. It's so tedious to listen to, that it made me realize how I would sound if all I did was complain all the time. I can't deny that the frustration exists, but again there are more productive ways to process it.

Meanwhile, we've been given the greatest thing ever, and that's what I need to focus on. You've always encouraged me to do that, and I'm finally figuring out what incredible advice that always was. Now I can't wait to try to tackle this latest project, because I think it can open more doors for me to see things the way you do - which is a gift. I do it pretty well sometimes, and feel like I can work on it more in others. But the commitment is there, the belief is there, and the blessings of you in all of our lives keep showing up in different ways. I guess that's a lot to take out of a couple of short conversations, but those are the conclusions I'd reached by the end of the day. I'll keep allowing myself to be guided by total love and the energy you bring me every day. Even my rational brain understands that.

Will call at 6. Love!!

- Buby

Kate’s Reflection:

I woke in the night and noticed something was off. Not dramatically, not loudly—just the order of the emails. A small glitch in our rhythm. But it sat in my chest like a question mark until morning. And then, when I opened my eyes, there it was: the letter. A beautiful, clear, wide-hearted letter that met me exactly where I was.

Matt’s clarity in the morning mirrors my own. It’s the moment before the noise—before opinions, inputs, and inner chatter hijack the day. His words echoed a process I know intimately: the ease of morning clarity giving way to the tangled mid-day knot, and finally the dull static of evening exhaustion. That cycle, that slow erosion of certainty, it’s familiar. And still, every day, we choose to begin again.

He wrote about how we’ve created a space between us where needs can be spoken without resistance. And how, even now, that isn’t easy. That moment between hearing a request and deciding how to respond is a sacred one. Sometimes we meet it with love. Sometimes we flinch. Sometimes we rest. Sometimes we revert to old defenses before remembering we don’t live there anymore.

Today’s letter was about the slow unlearning of reactivity. The brave return to intention. And the delicate tension between rational mind and emotional weather systems. It reminded me that clarity is not a constant—it’s something we return to over and over, like breath.

And this: love is not just what we feel for each other. It’s what we return to when the day twists us up. It’s what we trust when our logic runs out. It’s the presence we summon when panic creeps in. He talked about a moment on the tarmac in Lexington when fear surged, and the only thing that brought peace was imagining me there, calm, grounding, real. That was not fantasy—it was resource. It was knowing where to look when the lights go out.

The final stretch of this journey is full of these little reversals. One moment, things feel sure. The next, we’re back in the fog. But Matt’s words remind me: the way back always starts right here—with noticing, with softening, with remembering what matters.

We are not stuck. We are arriving.

Closing Line:

Keep walking—what looks like doubt might just be a doorway.

Call to Action:

If you’ve felt tangled, tired, or like your clarity is slipping by midday… take one thing off your plate today. Just one. Make room for the voice beneath the noise.